Tuesday, July 9, 2013

What would you do...

Like a relentless nagging whining child, a question keeps running through my head in the style of the National Lottery advertising campaign where we were asked what we would do for a few million euro. Only its not money that my inner advertising guru is asking about.  Its a chugging whirring demand to know if I would tightrope across the Grand Canyon, or go swimming with great white sharks wearing Lady Gaga designed swimwear, or something equally ridiculous that my mind thinks of but the end prize would be to have five minutes more.  "What would you do for just five minutes more..."

I would give pretty much anything or do anything to have a few more minutes to tell my Mum again that I love her.  To hold her hand and kiss her and hear her voice just one more time. I miss her more than words can say and would love to turn the clock back and cherish the moments that I once took for granted. I can't though and no amount of ruminating and wishing will change that.  

Before Mum passed away, I told her that we would all be ok. She had been delighted that I was finally moving back up to Dublin with Munchkin and as a family we would all be nearby for each other after she was gone, to support each other in sad and trying times and to celebrate and cherish happier times too.  All the changes are terrifying but when I get scared or overwhelmed with what needs to be done, I can almost hear her voice telling me that its all going to be fine and to stop worrying. All I can do is to honour my promise to her to try to live life and enjoy it and to encourage the kids to do the same. To stop dwelling on the negative and instead of looking at what we don't have, to be happy about all that is good in our lives. I once asked her if she was not bitter and angry that she had become ill despite the fact she didn't smoke, rarely drank, exercised and took great care with her nutrition.  To me it all seemed grossly unfair that she got this rare bone marrow disorder when she was so careful with her health. I asked did she not keep asking "why me??" and she told me that she did ask that for a while until one day the answer came to her when a voice in her thoughts replied "Why NOT me??"  Said it took the bitter sting out of the tail of her anger. She told me that bad things can't always happen to "other people" and that you have to just pick yourself up and get on with the cards you've been dealt.  I didn't appreciate how positive she actually was until she was gone, nor realise just how many lives she had touched and influenced until I could see the church filled to capacity with faces I'd long forgotten.  She never forgot a face though and was an amazing people person, treating everyone equally.  Whether you were a member of the cleaning staff at the hospital, or a consultant, you were all part of the intricate network of my mothers life. She made a point to talk to people and was genuinely interested in what they had to say.  I struggle maintaining personal relationships and friendships as I've previously blogged about, but it came naturally to her.  I'd love to be more like her though and am going to try really hard until its less difficult. I'm determined to work hard with Munchkin too as know its something that doesn't come easy to her either.  September heralds the start of a new chapter in our lives when we move up to Dublin and she starts her new school.  I can hear Mum telling me to "start as we mean to go on" so its time to stand tall and think of the challenges ahead in a positive manner and embrace the changes, whatever they may bring. To draw strength from the woman who fought a brave battle against interminable odds with courage and dignity, right to the very end.  

I know you loved this piece of writing and I will try my best to follow the words of it.  But can you come visit me in my dreams and talk to me... just for five minutes more?  Love you to the Moon and Back Mum xxx

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